This is Jane.

It feels like from the moment of my birth
I've lived with pain at the center of my life.
The numbness I felt in the coarse of my occasional trips to the mirror- and the countless nights I've held myself to sleep.
It felt as the Aesthesia was finally letting loose- I began to feel the burn in my chest and the tangled thorns on my temples.
I thought I might have get used to it because It was something I needed to live with forever.


It was 12 AM. I walked through the dark streets to the cafe': where I always ran off to when I felt I needed some lonely company. I felt I was following my own shadows.
The walk was long- It was cold, but really long. It was proof that the aesthesia was wearing off.


I ordered a free, tall glass of sugarless- ice coffee-from the 13th coupon I've collected this month. I'd spent most of my time here, after work- and until pass midnight.
I took a seat to the furthest from the music speakers- but they were loud enough to break my peace in my own earphones.


I thought about the night I broke down at work- The night where my friend, who was more like an younger sister to me; held me in her arms, despiting the customers that continued to walk in that night.. I felt the need of that as I sat alone, staring at the dim-hidden-moonlightish- yellow that was lit in the ceilings. 


I took a deep breath a held a cigarette between my lips. Took out my lighter and lit it on.
I felt that I've sacrifice enough. Everything I ever needed, everything I ever wanted..As I grew up, my mother taught me to never be greedy and always learn to give others regardless, what they have and don't. 
13 years later- I turned 18, and today, my pockets were empty and I owned nothing.
I was never greedy, because I had everything I needed to survive with at that time. I was taught to always give thanks- and I believe I have, but what I didn't have was, enough.


I took a dry sip through the straw, moisturising my throat, feeling every raw trails down my neck and into my stomach like an easy waterfall. I took another sip and buried my cigarette in the ash tray. 


This loneliness was familiar-
as if the 8 year old me came alive again. 
Black hair that covered her small jaws, and her pale skin that was white as a salt desert; If you looked into her small black eyes- everyone could tell this girl was lost under that fake smile, and was desperate for a hug,
someone to hold her in their arms and wipe the weak tears off the edge of her eyes.
Someone that was qualified to give her something and something more than a friend- Something she was missing,
Not God,
not neighbors,
but family.

17 Quote +music

For how much longer..

Under the dark skies and invisible stars,

Tonight, the night seems so dark,
Stars to dark too wish,
Skies too high to reach,
The breeze speaking so powerfully,
Like lyrics in songs,
And words in head,
I can still feel the wounds all around,
and the frustration not yet in evaporation,
Precitipating like rain over my shoulders,

Still, I am, watching the moonlight,
As if it's bright as the sunlight...

Sometimes..

I thought I lost it,

for a while, all I've thought was, 'I've lost it.'

Lost it all.

I'd look up and see no sky.

I'd look down and see no ground.

I'd look around and see no hope.

Repeated, why..why me?

Sometimes I would just lose it.

Forget the smiles

and breathe with the lies.

Harmed myself so much

that I've lost myself.

Cure was not found,

and no solution solved the problem...

Sometimes I just wished to dissapear,

Not away from home, nor into the woods.

Just completely dissapear,

Like water into air.

Sometimes I'd pray,

sometimes I'd cry,

Sometimes I sang,

& sometime I hide...

And Sometimes,

I thought great thoughts.

And that thought perspired into standing up,

weak,

but on my weak two feet.

I stood.

the road

Yes, you do see what i see.

An emptied road under hope.

From walking for miles and miles

climbing over the hills,

swimming across oceans,

jumping to the top of the mountains,

and after all that time

I still found no end.

I took a seat on the sweltering concrete ground

under the cloudless sky,

as the sun aims straight for my face.

My eyes squint, burning for hope-

I keep trying to fight the light

but I had no right.

The level I saw

in the road that last,

I saw nothing but a straight line.

I shook the dirt off my pants

quickly standing on my feet.

My hands are locked and my eyes are shut

I think nothing but the end,

hope nothing but the end,

and picture nothing but the end.

I prayed in the daylight,

in the middle of nowhere,

just me and this road,

just the two of us,

solid and hard.

I turn my head to the East and i see nobody by my side.

I turn my head to the West, still nobody in sight.

So I turn my head to the north, breathe in that they call pride.

Right when I'm about to take my next step to end,

i collapse like two buildings,

solidly falling into one.

My knee catches my body,

as my hands slam hard to stop my body.

The sun is now in the South,

standing behind me and I don't know why.

I look at my feet and my eyes blinds from light.

The road transformed into the most beautiful diamonds

that was never to be craved out from the ground.

The wind raised me back up,

on my feet, steady.

And the only thing that was going through my head now was that,

I wouldn't ever want to stop walking, on this road.

Present, future

Tomorrow
I would like to wake up on a king size bed
wrapped around in my blankets with breakfast in bed.
I want to be able to look outside from my room and see the oceans and the mountains
I want to see the sun high in the sky
being the first to greet me hi
I want the clouds to be my curtains
and the birds to be my eyes
I want to be able to walk out onto my balcony
and reach out to the sky
I want to see people laying on the sand
hearing there laughter's sounding like chants
In the afternoon i would like to go out with my girlfriends
and have a long chat
just about the life's that we used to have.
Knowing that
all that tears has finally paid off
and all that sweat has finally dried off
I want my past to be something I can look back to,
not something that I can relate to.
It's so hard for me to be who I am
when I'm so far from home
in the other side of land
But I really have no choice, do I?
All i can do is accept it and go on
which is really sad
But in the future
my present will be the past
that I KNOW I can look back on
and a past that I wont be able to compare from now
because I know I'll be living the life
that I've once dreamt of in the past
which will me my present
in the future from now on.

hope

There's still hope