Wednesday, January 5, 2011

+++Last night.

Why is it so hard to speak the truth,
maybe because all this ruth is too much for my youth,
The tears I secretly pour,
I let them roar,
underneath my pillows, They just run,
and dream them into the willows,
Where they are ever to evaporate into the skies,
and to never come down,
What is the point here,
for I being in such fear,
My life tells me to do what I feel,
then it turns around and tells me to deal,
Who am I here to trust,
when all I got is the crust-

I'm staying at my cousin's house while I'm in Seoul, but I go out to see my brother everyday,- and last night when I came home, she asked me if I wanted some pizza and I ate a piece even though I was full, I didn't want to dissapoint her because they saved a few pieces for me.
I sat on the dinner table as she sat across, she seemed serious and curious when she asked me 'Why are you trying to make money?'- It hitted me because nobody has actually asked me straight to face- where all my lies would run away.
So I told her 'because I want to give it to my mom.' I can feel the rush of blood racing through my viens that second and tears trying to escape from my eyes, I could feel my nose feeing red and my eyes watering- flooding but I pulled it all back and hid the redness with the piece of pizza. But, I don't think that could've hide my emotions. I just wished that someone would know how that feels... I'm not doing this to be stuck up- Sure I rant about my mother everyday, but still, I do care for her that much,,and since I'm not 'studying'- so in that free time I'd rather work.. that was my point.

See, I'm dissapointed now because this was the kind of question my brother was supposed to asked me, straight to face, in seriously voice... It was him I wanted to tell the truth to.
I made and excuse to my mom for me to come down to Seoul and work saying that I wanted to get 'plastic surgery'. Not thoses! But eye crease thingy almost 70% asians get to get their eyes bigger. It's ridiculous I know. Because the people who know me best knows that right now, my face or how I look doesn't matter. What matters is that I want to move to Seoul and live with my brother, and to study. Because I sure in hell won't do that back home- the motivation and perspiation just dried up. It is dissapointing because my brother doesn't know my life and I cant say shit because he's gone through so much more.. and What he's saying now is that how can be bring me down here when I'm not even trying hard back home. That is kind of right,.. and I have nothing to say. But what I'm asking is for a last chance to start over. Nothings ever too late..,

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