Thursday, May 7, 2009

This is Sarah.

I ran down to the lake in the middle of supper, just casting myself out from the drama that I've started without knowing. Just the fact that nobody were there to stop me at the door from leaving the house made me felt more inessential, after I was already feeling from moving 400 miles away from my home, my friends, and my life.

I could have screamed at them if i wanted to but unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to resist myself from crossing the line.

I threw my face out into the sun, feeling that piercing beam, ray straight onto my face and needle through my eyelids. I exhaled loudly hoping to somehow transport myself back a few hours where I was in the room with Joanna, throwing out the things she re-placed into the suit case.

But if I did, would it have changed anything? My actions would have mocked itself and my breath-cursing words would still have left my dad speechlessly understandable to my reactions. Almost like he expected it.

I fought back the tear that was hanging from the entrance of my eye, but it was heavy enough for itself to break away and brush down from the warm breeze that tied around my body. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. It felt like I had swallowed a bowling ball without water, blocking my way of whatever that was going to come out.
Even though it was them to blame I knew I couldn't blame them straight to their face. When we moved- we moved, no questions asked. No matter how much I'd asked, it would always round up to the same unquestioned answers, "You know...Dad's job...." and it would have always ended there. Everything after that didn't matter.

I was tired of it. Tired of all of it.
I stared into the water from the rail and thought twice. I shook my head, feeling the dodging of the rays.

3 comments:

Audrey said...

Beautiful! Sad, lonely, heartfelt. I am glad you thought twice!
xoxoxo

such a calamity said...

Thanx ;)

xox Sam

Becky said...

Did the beautiful photo inspire your story? There are days I have felt this way too. I am new to your blog and would like to ask, are you writing about yourself biographically? Or are you writing fiction stories about the photos you post? Either way, I love what you write.